A Story of Forgiveness


Vickie Conde

Some years ago there was a Women’s Retreat coming soon and I was very excited. I believed the Holy Spirit had revealed to me I was going to sing on the praise team.  I was singing in services at church.    Now I was so filled with joy and expectation waiting for a phone call.   The phone rang and yes, it was the women’s worship leader.  She quickly asked me if I would play the guitar.  “Play the guitar”, I asked?  I actually thought I heard her wrong.  “I don’t play the guitar”, I replied, confused.  She quickly told me she had all the singers lined up and very much wanted me to be on the ‘team’.  “But I don’t play the guitar”, I was baffled.  She went on to tell me of how it had to be this way.  It was already decided.  So I told her, “no thanks”.   And the call was ended.  Sad, mad and confused I went about my day, wondering how I had misinterpreted the Holy Spirit’s message.

That night I went to bed and had a vision.  There was a room, in it was a throne and a man I couldn’t “see”, sitting on it.  I walked into the room up to the throne and quickly turned away from it and walked straight into the corner.  Put my hands on my hips and didn’t say a word.  Pouting would be a fairly accurate description of my behavior.  A voice said to me, “What is wrong Vickie”?  Angrily I replied, “You make me love Christians and they “ALWAYS” end up hurting me.  “You loved me so I have to love them me, then they hurt me”.  “So why do You do that”, I asked?

The next words spoken are nine words I will NEVER forget! 

“Do you want I should take the hate out”? 

“Or do you want that I should take the love out”, an awesome voice asked? 

I promptly fell asleep.  When I woke up the next morning I was completely stumped.  I couldn’t understand what it meant.  I pondered what were the consequences of  “love” being taken out. 

If the love was removed what would I be left with; the acts of the sinful nature; hatred, envy, jealously, fits of rage and the like.  I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.  (Paraphrased Gal. 5:20 & 21.) 

That did not sound like a very good idea. 

So what if the “hate” was taken out?  What would I be left with?  

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.  And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.  Gal. 5:22-26.

I considered if I just “loved” how could that help me?  I would love then I could still be hurt and it could happen over and over again.  I realized I thought by being angry and hating someone, or being bitter or resenting someone would somehow protect me.  That’s where the truth flooded through me.  I thought by withholding forgiveness I was protecting myself from hurt and heartache.  Did hate or anger protect me?  A resounding “NO”, exploded into my spirit, mind and emotions!  Only God has the power to “protect me”.

Taking out the ‘seeds’ of the sinful nature were like preventing “bad fruit”, to be produced through me.  If I allowed myself to be protected by God and not by my faulty belief system, I would be far safer than trying to protect myself with miserable seeds of sin.

By 2 o’clock that day I knew the Truth of God’s Word had set me free.  I went to bed that night and the vision came again.  This time as I entered the room my spirit was different.  I knew without a doubt I needed God to do what I couldn’t.  Cleanse me and protect me.  This time I heard the words, “Do you want I should take the hate out”?  I said, “Yes”!  I was very humbled not only could I not clean my own heart I now knew I was deceived by my own heart.  “Yes, please take the hate out”, I genuinely asked.

The following Sunday I went to church, not looking forward to facing the worship leader.  But only because I anticipated I would ‘feel’ left out.  When she came to me she seemed so different.   I looked at her and she was so beautiful that day.  I loved her unconditionally.  Wow!  How beautiful it made me feel inside.  Perhaps the true love of God was connecting us in the true Christian relationship based on God’s Love and Truth.  She asked me if during the retreat would I always sit right in front of where she would be leading.  She told me how I encouraged her during worship and she was confident I would be praying for God’s profound presence.  In fact that was why she wanted me on the team in the 1st place.  I was a conflicted at first because my desire was to be a part of the team, it was then that I realized I truly was.  I was connected spirit to Spirit.  I was on God’s team!  In a Holy Spirit Way! 

© Vickie Conde 2013